Well, I haven’t been on here in months. I did attempt a blog or two a few months back and for whatever reason whenever I went to save my drafts, they disappeared. I took it as a sign that maybe I wasn’t supposed to share my thoughts to the world at that exact moment. I have been busily typing away at the book I promised myself I would write. Two hundred and eighty pages into it, I have made some huge discoveries about why I am the way I am and all the experiences that have formed my unique personaility. The last several months have been extremely hard and wonderful at the same time. I am living full time in the country in my little log cabin by the river. I gave up the fight of travelling back and forth. Too many signs pointed to my underlying need to not be in constant motion. I still get my fix of Seattle city life one day a week and I will admit always feel a little meloncholy when I drive back out to the country at the end of that night. I wouldn’t say I will be forever content where I am currently geographically located, but I am content for now!
Over the last week or so, I have reconnected in some shape or form with four men from my past. One contacted me in a drunken rage via texting accusing me of telling his secrets…..I didn’t do it. One was from so many years ago that I had forgotten so many of the wonderful times I had had with him. Another was really just a friend that I might have kissed once or twice, but always enjoyed his company and conversation. The last man was “my heart” from a lifetime ago. I don’t think any of them wanted to reconnect intimately with me, more just a touching base. Actually the first three found me and the last one, well I just followed my heart.
I found it so interesting that I had come to the place in the book where I didn’t know what direction to take. The last two chapters were full of the epiphanies that I have been able to experience after peeling the many layers of my emotional walls that I have built up over the years. To be honest, I was exhausted after writing them. Funny stories are way more fun to write about, but truth be told, I needed to find the piece of the puzzle that I just wasn’t seeing. Now that I have that missing piece, I feel free. I get it, and no I am not telling you what it is, you’ll just have to read the book. I knew that these four men connected with me so I could see things clearer. My God, do I see things clearer. The one that texted me the nasty message has now been blocked from my life…gotta love technology! And, the one that was “my heart” for so long is still obviously in my heart. I had been so angry at him for so long, but he was the one I wanted to share my realizations with. For various reasons, I don’t think we will ever be together, but I know now that I will always have a special place for him. Even after five years, we are so connected, it is crazy. Do I want to kill him most of the time…YUP? I am learning we all have our own journey to take. How I wish we could have done it together. All in all, some pretty good reminders of how far I have come on my very own trip.
On another subject, I had a customer come into my place last night. I didn’t know her, but I felt like she needed something. She seemed so sad. It was clear to me that she was using alcohol to cover up whatever pain she felt. I have to say that I liked her. There was something so sweet there, but something so desperately sad. I engaged with her and her friend for quite some time. By the end of the conversation, I finally figured out who she was. She had pretty much lost her entire family to a horrific scenario. I mean horrific. Matter of fact, I believe she just by fate missed being involved. Her whole life had blown up in her face in a matter of moments. I am in tears just thinking about it! Sometimes I get little psychic hits and I knew I needed to give her a gentle but stern dose of truth. I did and we had a magical moment together. I gave her something she needed, but I paid attention to her story and realized that the thought of me not having my family around me was chilling. I have been upset with my Mom for a couple of weeks and we haven’t talked. This is not normal for us, but sometimes it happens. As this lovely lady walked out of my restaurant I vowed to call my Mom the next morning and let her know how much I loved her. I won’t lie and say my message was sweet as pie, but I did tell her I loved her. I payed attention to the little reminders from her and so many things that day. They all told me to call my Mom. Fights happen among friends and family. It’s normal and a fact of life, but last night reminded me how much I loved my Mom and I had to put some of my inherited stubborness aside just to let her know how I felt.
Life is always throwing us little reminders of what we should be doing. I guess I just really am learning to pay attention!