Living In The Moment

I am a pretty serious girl.  Well , I guess I am a serious woman at this point, as I will be turning 41 in two weeks.  I love to laugh, I love to have fun, but I am definitely serious.  I have been all my life.  I have always been super responsible.  Bought my first house at 26 in Seattle.  The next one was close behind, and then that one became a rental, and I started my little empire.  I have lived in my little cocoon of solitaire in a lot of ways.  Always focused on the prize at the end.  When I say end, I am talking retirement.  My guess is this comes from my upbringing.  Watching my Mom support three of us, the ledger was always close by.  We got what we needed, but life was not extravagant.  Always watching the pennies.  My guess is that is why I went out and got a job as soon as I turned sixteen.  I didn’t want to burden my Mom with my need for material things.  I wanted to support myself.  I wanted to be responsible.  Such a heavy weight  to carry for so many years!

I remember as a child always hanging out with my neighbors.  I enjoyed that more than hanging with the kids in the neighborhood.  I guess, I kinda always felt like I got something more from the adults.  I am pretty much still that way today.  Most of my friends are older than me, wiser than me, and more mature than me.

A few days ago, I decided to take a leap of faith of sorts.  I decided that after two years of licking wounds from a horrible heartbreak, it was time to move forward.  Sounds so easy, but even as I write this, there is a nausea that takes over my whole being.  I often talk about fear in my speeches, blogs and everyday life.  I really don’t have it in my business world.  I refuse to fail, so it takes alot of that away, but my god, put an interesting love interest into my crazy life and complete fear engulfs every part of my being.  “Future Tripping”….a new term for me, consumes me and all my fears show their ugly heads.  “What if it works?  What if it doesn’t?”  My track record is not good here.  I am a runner, clean and simple.  I would rather sabotage something good early on, then wait for the devastation later.  I am aware that this is not a good trait, but it is there just the same.

How do you live in the moment, without expectations?  Those damn expectations have been haunting me all my life.  Whether it is friends, lovers, business acquaintances.  I have always had them.  This new person that has entered my life has basically blown my entire wall that I have created so well around me over the years to a pile of ruble.  How can a person so quickly get in and stir the shit up so crazy that I want to run before it even gets started?  I mean, no one knows if anything will come out of it.  We could just be two ships crossing in the night, or we could possibly be so much more.

He has told me to “Live In The Moment”,  to enjoy the journey!  I am not the most patient person in the world, so this is a rather large challenge for me. I am just too serious.  I am a planner, not a “just let it ride” kinda girl. I want to get to the finish line and see what is at the end, forgetting to enjoy the ride along the way.   But, I am going to work on it.  My new banner on my phone is “Live In The Moment” and his name on my phone is “Mr. Live In The Moment”.  I guess it’s better than “Trouble”.  That was the name of the man that broke my little heart in two.  I am thinking I must be moving forward a bit, if I gave this one a positive name!

Alright, I am done for today on this computer.  The sun is coming out.  After yesterday, I am shocked…..just a miserable end of a summer kind of day.  Downpours of rain, depressing gray skies.   The evidence is my gorgeous river that was a mere trickle a few days ago is now raging down to it’s base.  It’s amazing what a difference a day makes.  Maybe that is how I should look at things!

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